The #1 IFS Mistake Therapists Keep Making
In this live Q&A episode, John Clarke dives into one of the most common and often overlooked mistakes therapists make when practicing Internal Family Systems (IFS). From working with persistent protectors to recognizing when therapy feels stuck, John shares practical insights to help therapists deepen their work, stay relational with parts, and foster true self-leadership in their clients. If you’ve ever wondered why your IFS work isn’t creating the change you expect, this episode offers a powerful reframe.
Key Takeaways
Many therapists unintentionally dismiss parts by asking them to “step aside”, but what if that approach is actually disrupting the healing process?
Feeling “stuck” in therapy isn’t always about going too slow—there’s a deeper distinction that can transform your clinical intuition.
The real skill that changes everything in IFS isn’t what you think… it’s simpler, but far more powerful when mastered.
Resources & Offerings:
➡️ Free IFS Training for Therapists: From Burnout to Balance: https://go.johnclarketherapy.com/ifs-webinar-podcast
➡️ 1-Month Grace Period with Jane – Use code JOHN or visit: https://meet.jane.app/john-clarke-ambassador
➡️ 10% Off at Grounding Well – Use code GWJOHNCLARKE or visit: https://www.groundingwell.com/GWJOHNCLARKE
➡️ 10% Off at Dharma Dr. – Use code JOHN or visit: https://dharmadr.com/JOHN
Transcript:
John Clarke: [00:00:00] Um, this seems to be like the defacto instruction for people that are learning IFS, and it just feels a little dismissive to me.
Going Inside is a podcast on a mission to help people heal from trauma and reconnect with their authentic self. Join me trauma therapist John Clarke for guest interviews, real life therapy sessions, and soothing guided meditations. Whether you're navigating your own trauma, helping others heal from trauma, or simply yearning for a deeper understanding of yourself, going inside is your companion on the path to healing and self-discovery.
Download free guided meditations and apply to work with me one-on-one at johnclarketherapy.com. Thanks for being here. Let's dive in.
Hey everyone. Welcome back. My name is John Clarke. I'm a therapist, a group practice owner, and I also like to help other therapists, uh, deepen their work and grow their businesses. Excited to be back for another live q and a with you. I've got a few questions that were [00:01:00] pre-submitted, so I'll answer some of those, but if you are here live, I'll prioritize your questions here on YouTube.
So go ahead and ask them in the chat and I'll pull your questions up one by one. In the meantime, I will get started with this first question that is from anonymous. Uh, the question is how do you work with protectors that agree to step back, but then come right back in. I forget who said this, so you'll have to Google it.
It certainly wasn't me. But the general rule of thumb from some IFS expert out there is if you ask the part to Unblend and it blends back three times, then that becomes the new focus part. And, or maybe you try some direct access. So I, I would argue that even the first time it comes right back in, you [00:02:00] might want to at least make that the new target part for that moment and temporarily and get to know it a little bit because we just wanna maintain this energy of getting to know everyone.
Who is here and all parts are welcome, all parts are good and we value what they have to do and say. So I, I actually think a little qualm I have with IFS training is you're working with a part and a part, you know, pops up. Ask that part to soften back. Ask it to step aside, ask it to step aside, ask it to unblend, whatever.
Um, this seems to be like the defacto instruction for people that are learning IFS and it just feels a little dismissive to me. Um, and a little like missing the point. That's just me though. I want keep it really relational, right? And [00:03:00] so someone pops into a meeting and has something important to say and it's just like, Hey.
Not now, not now, not now. You know, buzz off. Uh, you know, I just don't love the way that feels. Again, I want to have a posture of everyone is welcome at this table. Tell me more about X, Y, and Z. But it's a good question and it's something that does come up quite a bit. Next question is from Mark. Mark says, what do you do when you feel.
Like you're doing good IFS, but your client isn't actually changing. It's a really good question. So on one hand, like we have to define what is good IFS, in my estimation, good IFS is when we are practicing being in self-energy more often, bringing that to our parts and we're being more relational with our parts.
And as a result in our lives [00:04:00] we are. More unblended and more self-led. Right. I, I suppose the goal, if there were one for IFS is self-leadership and integration. Really, it's healing internal attachments, right? Parts that were at one point stuck in frozen in time are. Successfully reconnected. In other words, reattached with self and thriving.
Now in that loving, available connection. On a really basic level, on a skills level, you, you know, you wanna help your clients figure out, how do you know when you're blended? How do you know when you're less blended? What happens in your body when you're more blended? What happens in your body when you're more in self-energy?
So I consider unblending like a quintessential skill in a, in a [00:05:00] way it's like the end all be all skill. 'cause if, if you know how to quote successfully, unblend. Have some strategies that work and can consistently offer, again, like good self leadership to your parts, then, um, then you're gonna have positive effects in your life.
Yeah.
Hope that helps.
This episode is brought to you by Jane, a practice management software and EMR designed to help practitioners run their business, not the other way around. Managing a practice can mean juggling more tools than you ever planned to. One for booking, one for documentation, another for billing. Each solves a small part of the puzzle, but because they don't work together, the manual admin adds up.
Jane helps practitioners connect their core tools all in one place. Payments are taken and recorded directly in Jane, so billing stays accurate and easier to track. Jane Websites helps new clients. Find your client, your clinic online, [00:06:00] and if something needs attention, Jane's support team is available by phone, email, chat with an understanding of how your entire system works together for added peace of mind.
Jane includes privacy and security features, like two-step verification, role-based access levels, and HIPAA compliance so that you can feel confident in your practice and knowing that your client data is protected. Practitioners know better than anyone. A little connection goes a long way. To learn more about how Jane can support you, uh, your clients and your business, head to jane.app/demo and if you're ready to give it a try, you can use my code, JOHN, that's JOHN for a one month grace period on your new account.
Again, that's jane.app/demo. Use the code JOHN for a one month grace period on your new account.
Okay, next question. How do you tell the difference between going slow and the work actually being stuck? [00:07:00] That's a really good question. Um, the cop out I'm gonna give here is, it's a gut thing. It's just a feeling, right? Do you feel like you're doing good work here now if you wanna really challenge yourself and enrich in your work?
Is that a, is that a word? Who knows? Um, then. Tape your sessions or ask a handful of clients that you think would be okay with it if you can tape your sessions and then bring it to supervision consultation. If you're in Pathways to self, my IFS consultation group, bring it to our group and I can look at your tape and help you improve what you're doing.
Because there's, the reality is there's what we're aware of and then there's everything else. The client. Has limited awareness, right? They're just aware of what they know, parts that they're aware of. They are blinded by their own biases often that everyone else in their life is the problem and not them.
So they're presenting [00:08:00] to you a very skewed set of information in the first place. And then therapists, we are limited by only what we're aware of in the session and in the in the room, right? We're limited by our conceptualization of the client as well, so we're always missing something. I kind of assume that, that we're always missing something right now.
Again, the difference between going slow and the work being stuck,
slowness just feels right, right. Slowness feels like lots of self energy. Slowness feels like steadiness. Stuckness feels like inertia, right? It feels like stuckness. Nothing's happening here. We're not really doing anything. We're not getting to know parts. We're not progressing the work. I'm not getting better.
I'm not having light bulb moments. I'm not [00:09:00] feeling I shift or release in my body, et cetera.
As therapists, we hold space for so many. But who's holding space for us? If you're craving deeper healing and more powerful tools for your clients, I wanna invite you to my free webinar on Internal Family Systems Therapy. IFS changed my life and the way I practice. It helped me move through burnout, reconnect with my authentic self, and show up more fully for my clients and for myself.
In this webinar, I'm gonna walk you through what IFS is and why it works. A simple tool that you can use right away and how to bring this work into your practice, even if you're just beginning. This is for therapists ready to go deeper. Join us now with the link in the description.
Next question and then I'm all out of questions unless you guys save me. Uh, this question is, what's the best way to get better at tracking parts in real time during a session? So you're talking about parts mapping. It's a collaboration with your client, right? So first of all, [00:10:00] you might invite them to do some parts mapping of their own or bring a notebook that they bring every time and create their own parts map.
And you might have a similar parts map. For me, it's just, it's really simple. It's on my notebook, or in my case, my iPad. I will, when we get to know a new part, I'll write down one word about that part, or if you've asked the part it's name, not naming the parts. We shouldn't name parts, just like we don't name other people unless you're their parent.
But we ask the part what their name is, what they want to be called, and you might jot that down. So I just write one word and then a circle around it.
And there might be kind of like a cluster of parts, right? So you might have these parts over here that are kind of a cluster, they're kind of like hanging out together, or they're similar or they're involved in, you know, certain aspects of the client's life or trauma and. You know, I just [00:11:00] wanna kind of figure out who's here, right?
Especially the kind of key players and parts that tend to be, uh, that we tend to be working with more than once. The reality is we have many parts, dozens of parts, and we'll never get to know them all. But, you know, it can be helpful for us and for the client to track the parts that we are aware of. The ones that we have gotten to know.
And, uh, yeah, have a basic understanding of kind of who's here and, and what we're doing. As I mentioned, um, one way to work with me is in our monthly Pathways to Self membership program. It includes my IFS courses, my IFS meditations, uh, lots of demos of me doing IFS. And then most importantly, it includes community.
So an online community that's not a Facebook group, and it includes, um, a weekly one hour call with [00:12:00] me on Tuesdays that just happened. It's every Tuesday, 11:00 AM Pacific. 2:00 PM Eastern and everything else in between. So in that group, I'll teach a technique or I'll do a meditation or we'll do a check-in.
And then we work through basically two cases or questions per group. We call 'em hot seats. And any week you can show up, you can sign up for a hot seat or you can just listen, um, and be part of the community and you can deepen your work. So. Really proud of the program, really happy that it's going so well, and we've got a great group of people.
And, um, yeah, whether you are IFS trained officially, or IFS informed, we would, we would welcome you. The, the big umbrella for the group really is trauma work, but the umbrellas underneath it are IFS. We talk about EMDR, we talk about somatic work. Uh, we talk about psychodynamics. 'cause I have a psychodynamic base or a relational base.
So it's, it's always a good time in the way that therapists have [00:13:00] a good time
if no further questions. I appreciate you guys being here. We'll call this a quick, um, uh, a short and sweet episode. I appreciate having the questions, um, that were here ahead of time and, um.
Yeah. Um, okay. I'm getting one question, so we'll do this one. Okay. The question is, would you say it's okay instead of saying, ask that part to step aside for now to say, ask that part if he would be willing to step aside for a bit, and if the answer is no, we stay with him. Yeah. I don't, I don't, I don't mind that.
Right. I think that's a little more gentle. Right? Even that sh that subtle shift in language, if the part would be willing to step aside or okay. With stepping aside, and if not, that's okay too. We, we can, we can pay attention to it. We can connect with this one too, right? I would [00:14:00] invite that part to hang out in another room or whatever.
Or if that part wants to stay here, that's okay too. So just really using nice soft invitational language, you can't go wrong with. With that, so Yeah. Yeah. The, the language really matters, and I, I end up saying this a lot, but again, like ask the part to step aside versus ask if it's willing to step aside is, is a subtle but important language shift and invitational language, um, and, uh, or asking fears, right?
Can you ask the part about, its, its fears of, uh, you know. Unblending or fears of S Stepping Aside or whatever it might be. Yeah, that's a good, good clarification there. So, okay. We'll officially call it a short and sweet episode now. Thank you all for being here. I really appreciate [00:15:00] the support and you all being a part of this show and of my life.
Um, I will do this, uh. I'll do this again next week at 12. So make sure to either submit your questions ahead of time, support@johnclarketherapy.com or just show get up, get here early and, and make sure you submit your questions in the chat so I can get to get to 'em, uh, first. So yeah, we'll do this again next week, same time, same place at at 12 Pacific.
And, uh, I look forward to, uh, seeing you then. Bye-bye.
Thanks for listening to another episode of Going Inside. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe wherever you're watching, and share your favorite episode with a friend. You can follow me on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok at johnclarketherapy and apply to work with me one-on-one at johnclarketherapy.com.
See you next time.