Stop Guessing: Real vs Fake Parts Work in IFS
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In this live Q&A episode, John Clarke dives into one of the most common (and important) questions in Internal Family Systems (IFS): how to distinguish authentic parts communication from imagined responses. He explores what real connection feels like, why “waiting and listening” matters, and how to spot when a client is genuinely accessing parts versus performing or guessing.
John also unpacks key challenges therapists face in session, including working with analytical clients, navigating multiple parts without shutting them down, and responding to dissociation with more care and curiosity. This episode is packed with practical insights to help you deepen your IFS work and avoid common pitfalls.
Key Takeaways:
The Difference Between Real vs. “Made Up” Parts. Most people think they’re connecting with parts… but they’re actually guessing. Here’s how to tell the difference.
Why You Shouldn’t Rush Parts to Step Aside. What if asking a part to “step back” is actually damaging your work? There’s a better way most therapists miss.
What Dissociation Is Really Telling You. Dissociation isn’t the problem—it’s a signal. The question is: what is it trying to protect you from?
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Transcript:
John Clarke: [00:00:00] So I just don't like this whole vibe of like, can you wait, can you wait? Go in the other room, go in the other room. I think it can feel dismissive to the other part. I think it can feel just like a cheap shortcut to be like, just ask it to soften it.
Going Inside is a podcast on a mission to help people heal from trauma and reconnect with their authentic self. Join me trauma therapist John Clarke for guest interviews, real life therapy sessions, and soothing guided meditations. Whether you're navigating your own trauma, helping others heal from trauma, or simply yearning for a deeper understanding of yourself, going inside is your companion on the path to healing and self-discovery.
Download free guided meditations and apply to work with me one-on-one at johnclarketherapy.com. Thanks for being here. Let's dive in.
Welcome back, everyone. Good to be with you all again. My name is John Clarke. I'm a licensed therapist. I'm a group practice owner. I'm a business coach for therapists. I'm also a a, a trauma therapist, and I like to teach therapists about [00:01:00] therapy and trauma work. One of those models includes IFS. We talk a lot on this show about IFS, about EMDR, somatic work, you name it, really.
Um, in this episode, I'm back answering questions live on YouTube. Um, so if you're here, uh, ask me your questions, live in the chat, and I'll bring them up one by one after that. Um, or in the meantime, I've also got some pre-submitted questions. If you wanna submit a question for next time, you can always email support@johnclarketherapy.com.
Okay. First question is, uh, from someone here live, uh, Ryan. Ryan says, Hey, John and IFS, how do you tell the difference between genuinely connecting with a part versus unintentionally creating or making up responses through your own thoughts? This is a great question. So, um, and a [00:02:00] really important distinction between kind of just making stuff up or in other words, assuming what parts might say versus waiting and hearing it from parts themselves.
One way I've seen this done, I saw Dick Schwartz do this on a podcast, was, um, you know, for instance, ask the part how old it is, and then just wait, or just listen. Don't think, just listen. So in other words, ask the part how old it is and just wait until you get a reply. And if you don't get a reply, you just keep going.
Right? You see if you can get more curious, if you can extend curiosity toward the part, you could check for self energy. You can check in and see how you're feeling toward the part, and then you might reapproach it, right? So, um, that is how I would generally do it. You may have a sense as a clinician, when clients are just kind of quote, like, making it up.
[00:03:00] Speaking for parts, um, or they are just kind of, um, in a self-like part, right, that wants to be a good client and just kind of roll with it. So you might just notice that or have a hunch, and you also might have them check. So you might say, um, check inside and see if this seems like, um, it's you or a part of you, right?
Or if it's the part answering or if it's kind of you answering or guessing what the part might say. Um, yeah. Generally what I also look for is clients are often surprised by what a part says or does. Or for instance, a part's age. If you ask the part how old it is and just wait until you get a response, you, you know, self might be surprise.
You might go, oh, it's, oh, I thought it was 14, but now it's saying more like. Uh, four. Huh? Yeah, it says four. [00:04:00] That's weird. You can just tell that the client is effectively getting the information for the first time. Yeah. So it, it, it looks different and it is different and it's a, it's a essential, um, distinction.
As therapists, we hold space for so many. But who's holding space for us? If you're craving deeper healing and more powerful tools for your clients, I wanna invite you to my free webinar on Internal Family Systems Therapy. IFS changed my life and the way I practice. It helped me move through burnout, reconnect with my authentic self, and show up more fully for my clients and for myself.
In this webinar, I'm gonna walk you through what IFS is and why it works. A simple tool that you can use right away and how to bring this work into your practice, even if you're just beginning. This is for therapists ready to go deeper. Join us now with the link in the description.
A couple of pre uh, submitted questions. Let's pull these in. [00:05:00] Um, these also might be from Ryan, possibly the same. Ryan. Um, Ryan says how to bring a client into body-based or parts focus work when they default to narrating or analyzing, especially when a DHD or trauma is in the picture. Yeah, that's a great question too.
So. On one. There's two ways to get into this. One is just to offer a parts based or body focus exercise, and then later let them know, Hey, that was IFS the other way. And depending on their personality and how their system works, you might pitch. IFS, you know, or a somatic approach and give them the framework, right?
So there's this idea that we're made of parts. We can interact with them. Um, we, you know, if you ask them a question and just wait and listen, they'll actually talk back, right? Rather than controlling parts, we see that we can form relationships with them, and through that we heal. We also have this [00:06:00] thing called self, and here's some things to know about self.
Is that something you wanna try? Okay, so IFS calls it going inside. Going inside is more like a, almost like a guided meditation than talk therapy, right? So we're gonna go from like just talking about stuff and going, yeah, I think this part of me is like 11 and he's like really scared or really perfectionistic to actually going inside, finding and connecting with different parts of ourselves and hearing their stories straight from the source, being the witness to their stories, bringing them into the present.
Et cetera. We also have this thing called unblending that we can work on, and here are some typical ways to unblend. Also, here are some ways to know that you're blended. So you might approach it that way. You might even say at the end of the session, Hey, there's, um, this IFS stuff that I think could really help you.
Um, I'm gonna send you a couple things on it, right? Like a book or a YouTube video, or a podcast or, you know, on my channel I [00:07:00] have a lot of demos of me doing IFS. That could be really interesting too, right? Is um, saying, Hey, here's what this model kind of looks like and is this something you'd be interested in doing?
And then going from there, right? Really getting that, that explicit consent and basically contracting around it, right? So part of your new contract with the client is, you know, here's the issue that you have and here's how I'm proposing helping you with it. And then as always, like you, you continually reapproach the contract and reassess the contract and see, Hey, is this still the issue you're wanting help with?
And is this still the approach that you prefer? So you continue to try to work that that contract and recontracting and make sure you're on the same page, make sure you're progressing toward their goals, making sure the approach is still aligning with them, et cetera. Or if you're a purist and you just say, this is how I work, [00:08:00] right.
Or I'm shifting to just doing IFS work. You can do that too and say that and maybe revise your informed consent and say, this is how I work. Take it or leave it. That's perfectly okay too. You don't have to be everyone. Uh, everything. For everyone. Yeah. I've got another question from Ryan, and then I'm out of questions.
So either we need more from Ryan live or uh, from, from the other folks that are here live. Um, so my last question. From Ryan, so far as in a recent video, you said asking parts to step back isn't always the right move or even the move we should default to. Can you say more about this and what you recommend instead?
Yeah, great question. So the reality is the way it is taught in both institute and non institute programs often is, so if you're working with a focus part and then all of a sudden another part. Pops up and kind of grabs self's attention and the attention of the [00:09:00] session, then the default is to go ask that part to step back or soften back or step aside or whatever, hang out in another room.
One rule of thumb, I don't know who made this up, is if you ask it to step back three times. You know, and then it steps up again, it blends again. Then that becomes the new focus part or target part. Right. I, I just, I think there's a better way of doing this. I think there's a more gentle way of doing this, which is if a part is popping up, it's probably for a good reason.
So I just don't like this whole vibe of like, can you wait? Can you wait? Go in the other room. Go in the other room. I think it can feel dismissive to the other part. I think it can feel just like a, um, a, a cheap shortcut to be like, just ask it to soften. Ask it to soften. Ask it to soften. Right? Get this one outta the way.
I'm trying to focus on this one. So that one might become the new target part right away, [00:10:00] or can you be with both? Right. And is there a way you can mediate, uh, uh, you know, an experience between both? Right. So here at the table, they're all welcome. Here at the table or around the campfire or the whatever.
So as we're sitting here around the campfire and we notice there's, you know, the 7-year-old who's really scared, there's the 11-year-old who's really pissed off. Yeah. Can each of you one at a time, tell me more about you, who you are, and how you got here, and what you're up to and what you need from me.
That just feels nicer to me. That feels more self-led to me than the like softened back thing. Um, and also the softened back thing can feel like, well, the part that keeps blending is just like an obstacle, right? It's a barrier. It's, it's in the way. And I don't wanna make anyone feel like they're in the way right now.
There has to be some order and civility to the sessions, right? Or otherwise, it just goes off the rails. That's why I said you have [00:11:00] to have these good mediation skills. 'cause in reality, IFS is mediation work. You're mediating between a bunch of different parts that have strong feelings about how the job should get done.
And self is. The CEO self is the the leader, the compassionate and brave leader. So yeah. I try to welcome them to the table. I hope that helps. Yeah.
This must have been an old question. So Anna had said, I feel like I lose the thread when multiple parts come in. What do you do in that moment? Well, the first thing I do is I check myself or self energy. Right. If you've ever done a family therapy or couples therapy and you get overwhelmed quickly and easily, just simply because there's a lot of people in the room, right?
Then the invitation is to check in with yourself first. Right? What's [00:12:00] coming up for you? What parts do you notice in yourself that are activated? What's making it hard to be with everyone in the room? Right? Where is it taking you back to? Is it taking you back to you being that young mediator in the living room?
Or at the dining table or whatever, feeling like everyone has to be happy or else, and I have to make them happy or else. So most likely it hooks into something in your story or in your wounding that's making it hard for you to be with multiple parts at once. So again, if I'm more in self-energy and have that courage and that leadership, I can go, okay, everyone's gonna be heard today.
There's more than enough to go around. But I need to hear from you just one at a time. So starting with this part or this part, right. Can you tell me more about who you are and how you got here and your stance on this? This issue, right? Or whatever. Yeah. [00:13:00] Yeah.
Okay. Other questions? Okay. It was a different Ryan. Sorry about that, Ryan. So, um, the Ryan, who's here live says, um, I do have one more question, which is how do you proceed when working with a dissociative protector that presents as persistent blankness? Well, you know, again, we, we start by going, what could be good about X?
Right? What could be good about [00:14:00] what this part is doing? What could be good about drinking or smoking or numbing out or dissociating, right? So probably you could say this is some form of protector backlash. That'd be the fancy IFS term for it, right? Um, so yeah, so what I would say here is you start by getting to know the one that is dissociating, right?
So you could say, can you just ask inside? Um, can you just ask inside? Which part is responsible for the dissociating? And then maybe ask why the dissociating is happening, right? We're getting too close to something that is too intense or too vulnerable, right? We're getting into exile territory too fast, too soon, too much.
And so, um, you know, the part, some part is like, I'm, I'm pulling us outta here, right? I'm pulling back, I'm dissociating the system, the client. [00:15:00] So we just get to know that one, right? And we take it as a sign or a cue that in general, like we, we probably went a little too fast, right? Too fast, too deep, too soon.
And so we just slow the whole thing down and we work more slowly and more carefully. And then again, as always, we check in with how we feel about the dissociating. Are we scared of it? Does it seem like a problem? Right? Are we familiar with it? How do you feel if you have felt dissociated? Right? Where does that take you?
So we always look in the mirror. Okay. Uh, Martha has a question. How do you approach couples conflict? I'm practicing IFS, I'm in trauma therapy. My husband part wants to fight with me really badly. I struggle with low interest in therapy. Um, our couples therapy seems to be going nowhere. It's basically just advice for me.
Yeah. Thanks for sharing this. It sounds like you're in. [00:16:00] Couples therapy, you're doing IFS also on your own, you're in trauma therapy and you've got conflict with your husband. So, um, if you feel like the couples therapy is going nowhere and it's basically just advice for you, you're, you've been identified as like the problem child, right?
The most direct answer to this is you probably need a new couple's therapist. Not all therapists are created equal. Not all therapists are good. I'm sorry to say, a lot of them are bad, if not really bad. Um, it's not that hard to get a license, especially with the rise of programs where you can be graduated in 18 months and then get your license, you know?
Um, the board isn't checking up over your shoulder at all times to see if you're doing amazing couple's work. Right. So I would start there, right? Which is that, um, you might not be with the right couple's therapist. They're not able to really hold that space and be, um, treating each of you all well and equally and [00:17:00] fairly and compassionately.
So it might already be kind of a wash. You might try to address the couple's therapy directly and the therapist directly and say, Hey, can I set up an individual session with you so we can talk about how it's going? That might be a good, you know, a good approach and see if you could remedy that and say, here's my experience so far of therapy and how this feels right.
It feels like a lot of pointing the finger at me and just see how open they're to talking to you about that. Right? See if they can, um, really be compassionate toward that. Be open to that, be open to shifting their approach. Um, you know, things like that. So, yeah. Okay. Martha says, uh, he wants to stay with this therapist.
So here's another dilemma for the two of you, right? He wants to stay with this therapist. You don't wanna stay with this therapist. What power or leverage do you have here in going to see this therapist [00:18:00] with him? So then it becomes something that unfortunately you have to navigate with your husband. Now, if you feel like the couple's therapy is doing more damage than good, you might choose to not go at all or say, I'm happy to go to couple's therapy, but it has to be with one that we both like and we both feel safe with.
I don't feel safe with this couple's therapist. I don't feel that this couple's therapist is impartial. So. Here's a list of three other couples therapists that I've spoken with and I would suggest we go to see one of them. Yeah, tough situation, but, but thanks for sharing.
Okay. As a reminder, if you're a practitioner and interested in working with me, John Clark therapy.com/pathways is where you can learn more about my Pathways to self membership. It includes a weekly consult group with [00:19:00] me on Zoom on video like this. It's a small, intimate group of clinicians from all over the world where we work on.
Um, trauma work, um, working in the interpersonal space between client and therapists. Um, working with I-F-S-E-M-D-R, somatic work, you name it. So it's really great group. We also talk about the business side of therapy here and there. And so that's, that's also a fun way just to, um. Yeah, improve your business.
Of course, it's a business expense so you can write it off and, um, yeah, you can always join for a month and try it, and if you don't like it, you can always jump out. So there's very low risk in trying it. Um, but I highly recommend you try it if you're even a little bit interested. Um, it is, uh, it's a great program and I'm really happy with the members that we have.
It's a great community and you've got access to me every week on our Zoom calls, so if you're interested, then um, definitely check it out. John Clark Therapy [00:20:00] slash Pathways. Yeah. Cool. Um, we'll pause there for now. Um, thank you all so much for being here. Thank you for the questions that came in live that always makes my job, uh, easier.
We will be back in, um, two weeks. That'll be May 5th, Cinco de Mayo, and, um, uh, same time, same place. 12 Pacific, three Eastern. So look forward to talking to you then and take care. Thanks for listening to another episode of Going Inside. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe wherever you're listening or watching, and share your favorite episode with a friend. You can follow me on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok at johnclarketherapy and apply to work with me one-on-one at johnclarketherapy.com.
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