Live IFS Session with Deliane | Internal Family Systems Demo
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In this vulnerable IFS demo, Deliane explores the emotional weight she carries in relationships and the protective parts behind her defensiveness and exhaustion. Together, John and Deliane uncover how sensitivity, longing for connection, and emotional protection become deeply intertwined - and how healing begins when protective parts finally feel seen.
Key Takeaways
Why emotional exhaustion can actually be a form of protection
The hidden reason some relationships leave us constantly on guard
What changes when you can help your clients access a deeper sense of safety and connection
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Transcript
John Clarke: [00:00:00] Going Inside is a podcast on a mission to help people heal from trauma and reconnect with their authentic self. Join me, trauma therapist John Clarke, for guest interviews, real-life therapy sessions, and soothing guided meditations. Whether you're navigating your own trauma, helping others heal from trauma, or simply yearning for a deeper understanding of yourself, Going Inside is your companion on the path to healing and self-discovery.
Download free guided meditations and apply to work with me one-on-one at johnclarketherapy.com. Thanks for being here. Let's dive in.
Deliane, thank you so much for, for doing this. Um, we're gonna do an IFS demo today and see where it takes us. As always, it's a bit of a, an adventure that we go on together to see what happens. From my end, there's no pressure to make anything happen today or to reach a certain level of depth or to make me look good or anything like that.
So just want you and your parts to hear that as we start. And [00:01:00] from there, I'll hand it over to you and let me know where you want to start.
Deliane: So I'll introduce myself. I'm Deliane. Sure. And, um, and a therapist, but also a human being that has her parts that, she would like to have an adventure and ex- see what happens.
John Clarke: Yeah. Great. Le- let me know, yeah, where, where it feels like a good place to start with this. And you might also just check in and see, especially because of the nature of this, that it's being recorded. You might have parts that are aware of that.
Deliane: Yeah.
John Clarke: Yeah. You, you and I also, we've been working together for a little while now in, Pathways to Self, so hopefully it's okay to name that.
And we've been, yeah, working on through consultation together, so I know a bit about you and your work and who you are. But, um, yeah, just putting that out there.
Deliane: Thank you. [00:02:00] Um, yeah. So, um-
I, I think, uh, not I think. What I, what I s- feel in my body day in and day out is a weight on my chest and
I carry it every day- Okay ... from office to home. Okay. And I'd like to just see if I can bring voice to that part of me.
John Clarke: Okay. How aware are you of that weight in your chest right now?
Deliane: Um, I am aware of it.
John Clarke: Yeah.
Deliane: In that it's, it's present.
John Clarke: Yeah. Okay. Can you tell me a little more about what you notice about it?
Does it, does it move [00:03:00] around? Does it stay right there?
Deliane: It, it, it's, it stays right there. Um, and it, it's sometimes in my stomach, like right now a little bit. Mm-hmm. But it's more just this, um- It, it, when I do my work with others, I don't notice it. I love what I do and-
John Clarke: Okay ...
Deliane: it's, it's more when I'm quiet and it's a transition from, um, home life to any place I go and I st- there's this peace, this, this, um- It carries a...
It's, it's an unresolved pressure-
John Clarke: Okay ...
Deliane: that I carry with me.
John Clarke: Okay. Can, can you try [00:04:00] something for me? And yeah, you can go with this or not. Um, could you ask this weight in your chest how it feels about not being noticed when you're at work?
And just see if you get anything back.
Deliane: Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Um
It, it softens when Oh yeah, when there's no, um... Yeah, it's, it just says it's, I can s- it softens back. It, it-
John Clarke: Mm-hmm
Deliane: ... it steps aside, and it [00:05:00] steps aside when When it, when it, it feels, um, safe and seen and heard, it-
John Clarke: Mm-hmm ...
Deliane: it knows to, it just, it just says it just can, um
It doesn't need to be there, so to speak. Uh, yeah
John Clarke: Can, can you ask it-
Deliane: It's like, yeah ...
John Clarke: why it feels it needs to be there at other times?
Deliane: Yeah It, it's, yeah
John Clarke: Or how does it decide when it needs to be more here?
Deliane: うん。 It decides it needs to be here.
John Clarke: Yeah. Um. Mm-hmm.
Deliane: Mm.
John Clarke: And, and can you [00:06:00] ask how it decides that?
Deliane: Yeah.
John Clarke: And see what it says.
Deliane: It says it's like a It's like a, it, it's
John Clarke: Hmm.
Deliane: It's like a shield, and it decides it needs to be here-
John Clarke: Mm-hmm ...
Deliane: when it's going to face another person. Oh, okay. And if it faces another person, it's going to be right there ready to help me, um- Okay. Okay ... become defensive. Okay. And if it feels safe and it notices that I'm managing a [00:07:00] situation- Yeah ... it doesn't need to be there.
Or it- Yeah ... it just steps aside. It's like, um- Mm-hmm ... and that's, it's... I think there's another part with it as well that, um, it has, it, I, I, it's saying to me it's really tired of this job.
John Clarke: Okay.
Deliane: And it's very- Yeah ... been saying that for the last couple days. Like, "Ugh."
John Clarke: Can, can you ask, can you ask it how it got this job?
Deliane: Yeah.
John Clarke: And just wait until you get a response.
Even if you have parts that think they already know
Deliane: Um
It's, it's got this job for a while now, [00:08:00] um
If it's got its job because it just has this job of making sure I, I'm gonna be able to manage how I speak, how I am in relationships. Okay. It just- Right ... it just- Right ... doesn't feel that it's, I can manage with my own self without it being there. Okay.
John Clarke: And, and-
Deliane: But it's become very dark. Like, it's like, ugh.
John Clarke: Okay. And is it pointing to any particular proof that you can't manage in relationships? And, and this can, you can keep this private if you want, or you can say it [00:09:00]
Deliane: Does it have proof?
John Clarke: Yeah. Is it pointing to any proof that you can't manage yourself in relationships?
Deliane: Hmm. It's saying that is I am very capable
John Clarke: Oh, it's saying that you're very capable
Deliane: And it knows that I am, and there's a lot of proof because I have a lot of relationships
John Clarke: Okay.
And, and how is that for you to take in?
Deliane: I guess,
John Clarke: so
maybe it's...
Deliane: Yeah. I, I appreciate that it's saying, "Yeah, of course I can."
Like, of course I can. Um, so it's maybe not- Can, can you let it know that you appreciate- Yeah ...
John Clarke: hearing
Deliane: that? Yeah.
John Clarke: And just see how that goes[00:10:00]
Deliane: Yeah. It, it- And- Yes. And it- And, yeah ... makes me curious. So what is-- Maybe I don't understand why it's there.
John Clarke: And just notice-
Deliane: Maybe I'm curious ...
John Clarke: notice how that is in the body.
Deliane: It's like this side feels very light, my left side and m- and this, this part that's wanting to talk, um, ugh, it feels more, um, like it's the emot- 'cause emotional.
Okay. It's like, "Hey," it's emotional. It's like clarity, like clearness, like, of course you can talk, like, and be in relationship with other people, but there is this relationship that clouds my day, clouds this side of my body.
John Clarke: Okay. Okay. And, and how are- okay are you and your parts with that emotional side coming through right now?[00:11:00]
How okay or not okay does that feel right now?
Deliane: Um, they agree that, um
That it's, it needs to, to soften back and go away. Which one? It's, um, the, all of them. Like there's no parts that are not... The, everybody doesn't like it. They're all rooting. Oh, okay. Like you need to talk about this. Okay. What are you holding onto? And, and where are you in relation to all these parts? I'm with them.
Again, I feel myself looking down at this- Oh, okay ... weight. Um, like, "Find your voice. Come on out." Um, [00:12:00] and-
John Clarke: Okay.
Deliane: Yeah.
John Clarke: So does this part know that you're not a part?
Deliane: Um
Yeah, it, it sees me as, um I think, yeah, or what I'm noticing is I, I'm, I, as DeLeon looks down, it's like looking at a part of me that-
John Clarke: Mm-hmm ...
Deliane: has a lot of emotion and feelings- Yeah ... that are tucked into a ball.
John Clarke: And, and how- And- ... is Deliane feeling toward that part that has a lot of emotions?
Deliane: Um, there's a part of her that feels worried and a part of her [00:13:00] that feels Um, curious at how did, how this part won't move, like to allow all of me to just be present.
John Clarke: Okay. Can, can you do me a favor?
Deliane: Yeah.
John Clarke: I'm not really in the business of trying to get parts to move.
Deliane: Yeah.
John Clarke: You might know that about me.
Deliane: I've heard you say that. Yeah.
John Clarke: So maybe see if there's another way to just kind of be- Yeah. Yeah ... all together in the same room, so to speak.
Yeah, and just notice as you're putting your- Yeah ... right hand on your chest
Deliane: there- Yeah. Yeah ... where that
John Clarke: is
Yeah
Deliane: Yeah. It's latched on. It's ble- [00:14:00] it's, we would say it's blended in my body.
John Clarke: Mm-hmm.
Deliane: Um,
John Clarke: so- And,
and how do you feel about it being blended in your body right now?
Deliane: Well, that's the, it's, um I find it very trying because I can't- Yeah ... get a g- a grip on it. Like, it, it's not moving. Yeah. And I find it- Yeah ... um, I've been asking for it to be more accessible, and then little things happen and says- Mm-hmm
nope, see, that's why I'm there.
John Clarke: Mm-hmm.
Deliane: Like-
John Clarke: Mm-hmm ...
Deliane: um, we, it's- And, and- Maybe it's anger ...
John Clarke: what do you fear would happen if it ...
Deliane: Yeah.
John Clarke: Um,
Deliane: yeah.
John Clarke: So what, what, what would, what do you fear would happen if it didn't move?
Deliane: Hmm. I'd be dead. Like a deadened part. Like not dead, dead, but, um- Okay ... like it, it deadens [00:15:00] my energy when-
John Clarke: And what if, what if your energy is deadened?
Deliane: Ugh.
John Clarke: What's scary about that?
Deliane: Being stuck like this is awful.
John Clarke: What's awful about being stuck? Just go real slow here.
Deliane: It's, um, uh, it, it's, uh Yeah. Being stuck means, uh, this, ugh, it's getting confused, but it ha- Mm ... it's so loaded because means that I'm bored, means I, I, I don't do things for [00:16:00] pleasure. I'm, um- Mm ... caught up in a defense that needs to just really voice its discontent. So I, I don't li- I... It's, it's draining. Mm.
It's draining my energy of being free and light and-
John Clarke: Okay ...
Deliane: like-
John Clarke: Can, can you ask it why it wants to drain your energy?
Deliane: Because it's, it keeps telling me it needs me so it can protect me from the source that pisses me off, and, um-
John Clarke: So it, it's trying to protect you by draining you?
Deliane: By not feeling feelings other than th- this feeling.
This feeling's gotten exhausted and tired and achy, and because it, it won't let me voice- [00:17:00] Okay ... um, its discontent. Okay. It, it's, it's stuck in a, um, it's your problem, not their problem. And if it's your problem- Okay ... you have to hang on to it because... and get over it yourself and not- Oh, okay. Oh ... put it on someone else.
But you think it's somebody else who triggers you. Okay. And you have learned that y- you know, if you want life to change, that you have to do it yourself. But it doesn't know how because it keeps getting triggered.
John Clarke: Okay. Okay.
Deliane: And so it just stays firm-
John Clarke: Right ...
Deliane: when I'm in that relationship.
John Clarke: Right. Right.
Deliane: Okay.
And that relationship, it ca- I carry it 'cause this person is no longer going to work. They're not retired. They're... I mean, they're retired. It's like
But, and it, it [00:18:00] holds, it, it's very annoying for this other part who wants to b- feel loving and loved and playful and joyous. But it c- it, this relationship that I'm in, that it's holding onto defensiveness, um Won't let this other side come out. This more- Okay ... playful, loving, because they don't feel that that person sees what a joy she is and what a, mm, cool person she is.
She has to constantly defend herself in talking- Mm ... with this other person. Because, so the person is so smart and, I don't know, and it's just so different than she is, but she's married to him. Okay. And it holds a lot of, [00:19:00] "I can't change him, so I gotta change myself." And it keeps telling me, "You can- not gonna change yourself," but you can change yourself when you're with other people and do your own life.
So you do your own life. But this, you ha- I don't know, it gets stuck. Okay.
John Clarke: You
Deliane: can't find the words.
John Clarke: Okay. So-
Deliane: It's complex ...
John Clarke: I, I want... It's complex. Yeah, I get that. I, I want you to see if you can try something here. I want you to visualize someone or something that you have very easy, immediate access to lots of love for.
And just see if you can let that fill you up[00:20:00]
Deliane: Mm-hmm.
John Clarke: Mm-hmm. Yeah, notice the breath
And you might just hang out and see how your parts respond to that
Deliane: It's like that, that, that weight just gets lifted and-
John Clarke: Okay. Just notice that ...
Deliane: this space, it's less pain.
John Clarke: Just notice that. See if you can stay with that, and perhaps you can create even more space or generate even more of this love inside[00:21:00]
Deliane: It's like a clearing of energy Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, keep going with that
Yeah, [00:22:00] feels better. I feel better.
John Clarke: Okay. See if you get a sense of where to go now. And we've got about five, 10 minutes left.
Deliane: Okay.
John Clarke: Yeah.
Deliane: So where it's going is, um Not hanging on to all the, the constant triggering. Yeah. But more going into thinking about my best friend, tr- life friends. Nice. And, um, how they, how there's this smoothness in the relationship, and reciprocal, and- Yeah ... more playful that this- You're really wanting more of that.
Yeah. Just, um, even from, like, childhood friend who I don't talk to all the time, just bringing that [00:23:00] special relationship into this body, and it's- Mm-hmm ... just so freeing, and there's no demands. There's no- Mm-hmm ... having to be a certain way or say things a certain way. You just say it, and it's heard, and it, there's this, um, mutual understand- mutuality.
Yeah. Just a need for mutuality, and accept- acceptance, and playfulness, and- Mm-hmm ... uh, random- randomness, and freeness to just live life.
John Clarke: Mm-hmm.
Deliane: Mm-hmm. And it's, um, clearing. It's giving space.
John Clarke: Mm-hmm.
Deliane: And that other part just says, "Yeah, it's gone." It's just like, it's the part, you know, it's like it's, it's not present.
Okay[00:24:00]
Yeah So So yeah, so the sadness, the anger
John Clarke: Yeah
Deliane: Just kind of okay
John Clarke: Yeah
And let's, let's check in again, see how you're feeling toward the part that just went away and how you're feeling toward the sadness and the anger
Deliane: I feel I feel grateful or thankful for the parts that's ... And, um, I'm still curious as to, um[00:25:00]
You know, just
Like, wow. I'm curious as to how come it gets so easily triggered- Okay ... when it was so easy to bring in, you know, my freeness. Well, you could ask it. Mm-hmm. Well
Yeah, I guess you're just really sensitive to energy. Yeah. And- Okay ... and when it's comes in you, you, I, I, we're here for you, and it's a repetition. Yeah. Hurt and- Being sensitive to energy,
John Clarke: I, I wonder if that could be a good thing.
Deliane: It is a good thing, but it a- it's also saying- Yeah ... we come right back at you.
Yeah. And we're gonna be there and put the cloud back in your heart, because, um [00:26:00] And maybe I could just say that, that maybe I can just, now that I have more clearing, and carry that, and maybe be, be able to voice more, um- Yeah ... I don't know. Voice more the needs of mutuality. Yeah. Okay. I don't know. But it's really hard- Okay
yeah, to do that. But-
John Clarke: Yeah. Yeah.
Deliane: Yeah.
John Clarke: Okay. Um, a- as we start wrapping up here, maybe just checking in and seeing if there's any thing that your parts need from you or from me
Deliane: Um
No, I think just settling into more of a, uh, clear sense of mind. Mm-hmm. Clear, more clear in my body. Yeah. [00:27:00] Um.
John Clarke: Yeah.
Deliane: And grateful for the, the love and friendships I do have that are- Yeah ... that are just so, um, meaningful to my heart.
John Clarke: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Okay. Does it feel like an okay place to pause?
Deliane: I think so, yeah.
John Clarke: Thanks for listening to another episode of Going Inside. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe wherever you're listening or watching and share your favorite episode with a friend. You can follow me on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok @johnclarketherapy and apply to work with me one-on-one at johnclarketherapy.com.
See you next time